free write

When i was probably about 7  i remember being extremely confused about how/what i was supposed to believe in ,in terms of spirituality, god,and faith. 

Majority of my friends were christian or catholic ,and frequent church goers, while i did not.

I was raised in a really weird upbringing of religious beliefs. My dad is muslim and ,my mom is catholic. Neither of them were heavy influencers in how i what i was supposed to believe in. My mom and dad never sent me or my sisters to church, but i vaguely remember going to sunday school with my neighbor who was also my best friend ,but the more i think about it now i defiantly only did that because it was convenient, but my parents always allowed me to so i did it, which is something else i really appreciate they did because they let me go out at a young age and find what i believed in,even if i fully couldn't comprehend.

The fact that my dad is muslim was always cool to me when i was young, especially where i was raised it is uncommon for kids to have a muslim parent.I always got to celebrate eid ,and have cool partys that were colorful and lively.A time that made me upset as a kid was when i learned about terrorists and how they came from where my family originates from and i got really ashamed of who i was when i was only about 10 years old.I often got asked what my religion i was and would just say catholic to fit in. But now i think about how half of my family is muslim and i think its so cool, and makes my different form others.

How ever now that im older and have the freedom my parents gave me as a kid to make my own beliefs, i actually came out atheist.And i genuinely think its because how conflicting both my religious surrounding were when i was young. None of the stories of how 'things came to be' made sence to me in the end, and still don't, as well as faith faith and destiny. The idea of giving yourself away to a god to decide what your life is to bring really blows my mind. I believe my life is made by my decisions that i are influence by my actions.